How am I supposed to get a job when I have social anxiety

I’m even too scared to go apply for work

I feel absolutely worthless

I have nothing to offer.

2014.IV.16

Real eyes realize the real lies

Breathe. You’ll tackle it when it comes.

I think the funniest thing is that I thought things would magically change

No, I am not happy with how I’ve turned out. In retrospect, I wish I had embraced more pain.

I’ve always been a weakling; emotionally, physically. The minute something was too difficult, I would give up. I guess I was stubborn in that way; I expected things that I would be good at to come naturally to me. That I wouldn’t have to try.

Unfortunately my stubbornness didn’t exactly work out the way I now wish it did.

If I were stubborn enough, I would not have given up. I would have tried harder. I would have seen that it was not going to come naturally.

I suppose I was blinded for a long time. I am amongst a family of doctors, teachers, musicians, engineers. I aspired to be like them. Still do. No one ever said they did, but I somehow assumed that their talents and knowledge came naturally to them. So, I assumed it too would come naturally to me.

What I did not know until earlier this year was that they worked their tails off. Many of them failed the first time. So what did they do? They tried again. And again. And it worked.

I wish I didn’t give up so fast. I wish I listened to my parents when they told me I had potential (but let’s be honest, what child actually listens to what their parents have to say?). Daddy always said that I have the mind to be one of the most intelligent. I didn’t believe him. I was wrong to do so. He is right. I DO have it. It just hasn’t been developed yet.

I could be at swim meets rights now. I could be at regattas. I could be receiving the highest honour from the RCM. I could be inspiring others. I could be making people proud of knowing me.

Instead I gave up. And instead, I sit here, in this tiny room, with no ambitions, no reason to try. And let’s be honest here. I won’t be trying harder any time soon.

2014.IV.2

Call it.

FOR ONCE I WOULD LIKE TO DO SOMETHING RIGHT

I have the hardest time letting go of the past and looking forward to the future because things were so much better then and my mind wasn’t so fucked up

2014.III.27